Winter Olympic sports explained (sort of)
David Common takes a humorous look at the 15 winter Olympic pasttimes
Admittedly, I am not the sportiest fellow…so I wrote up a cheat sheet on every Olympic sort, based on what I've seen so far in Sochi.
Go to top of mountain. Look around for flags and then get to the bottom faster than an Audi on the Autobahn. Knee replacement required after every run.
Go for a very long run through the forest. Don’t worry, you have skis on so it’ll be easy. Go as fast as you can, but don’t get out of breath or you won’t shoot straight. Oh right, you’re carrying a rifle.
Start with the gym. Get super fit. Put on spandex. Get into a torpedo. Hold on for dear life. That’s the easy part because someone is sitting on your crotch.
Giant lungs required. See alpine but subtract the mountain. Not to be done when biathlon is on the same course.
Don’t make fun of this sport. And make sure you call it a sport. Participants are very mean.
You get a whole rink to yourself but sometimes you have to share with one other person. If there’s another person, pick her up and spin her around your head. Also, she’s wearing sharp knives on her feet and you can’t stop smiling.
Locate mountain. Find least safe way to bottom, ensuring you go backwards, over obstacles and carry out gymnastic routine while in the air.
No idea. Never heard of it.
Invented after several drinks at the top of a tobogganing hill. Lie down on your back and hurtle at completely unreasonable speeds down a tunnel. Most difficult part is pointing your toes like a ballerina to be aerodynamic. Sometimes done with a friend.
Norway, Finland and Sweden get together. And just as you getting bored with cross country skiing, someone adds a cliff into the picture and you jump off.
Short track speed skating
Watch a little boy run in a circle so fast he ends up being nearly parallel to the ground. Repeat but with a slippery surface. Wear gloves so your fingerprints don’t get erased on the corners.
See luge, but with cafeteria tray. And go head first, because that’s the most reasonable thing to do.
Enjoy the spectacular mountain view. Then do something that should legally require a bungee cord.
Get nice clothes. Speak cool. Get sponsored by an energy drink. Act like you don’t care. The rest is easy. Oh, you’ll need a snowboard too.
See short track, but with more opportunity to hurtle into the audience.